The truth about what new mums actually need

A blog
Not many know this, but babies actually leave the womb clutching a post-it note with the password to your very own wordpress site. Here, you will allow yourself to write pages upon pages that document the absolute shock you will experience in the first months of your child’s life.
You’ll say things like “why wasn’t I warned?”, and “why don’t people talk about this”, when there is literally nothing more spoken about and shared than parenting issues. And I am certain that no blogger has written anything original for YEARS, because there is actually nothing original to parenting. And you’ll naively declare how you are not like all the other mum blogs, because you’ll be “keeping it real” and sharing what mum life is really like. The obsession with “real” parenting is just as absurd talking about “real” bodies. Unless you are the figment of someone’s imagination, and you have children – well, congratulations, you’re a REAL MUM!

A dump of coffee and wine memes
OMG, I’m so tired, I need like, a coffee IV, LOLOLOLOL! Ah, is it wine time yet? LOLOLOL!

A sense of superiority
There’s a great Seinfeld bit where he complains about the way old people drive – that they just DGAF, because “I make people!”. This is not a sentiment reserved just for older Floridians. You may recall the excellent #asamother hashtag had a bit of fun when last year, Sonia Kruger felt it gave her licence to say racist things without being labelled a racist. You’ll also notice a growing sense of entitlement to not only your opinions, but to car spaces, position in queues, and the ability to refute evidence-based science because “mother knows best.”

Modelling contract for your baby who literally everyone says is so cute they should be a model (especially the agency who will charge you $1300 to add you to their books).

An SLR camera
You want to capture every glorious high-definition moment of your precious baby growing up, and you need a really good camera to do so – is what you tell the guy at Harvey Norman as you rub your enormous belly emphatically.
$1600 and 2 lenses later, you’ll have a beautiful camera with which you’ll take thousands of blurry photos of you little cherub.

Lack of awareness of social norms
After the horror of pregnancy and childbirth, which may see you completely naked in the hospital hallway mid-contraction, you’ll likely lose all sense of what is and isn’t appropriate to bring up in general conversation. I first noticed this when standing in the middle of IKEA one evening, being shown a reenactment of the post-birth hose down by a couple I had met only minutes earlier.
I just wanted to get my Flứmgảrdik without visuals of flowing blood.

Entry to online parenting groups

Equal parts helpful and horrifying, you should know that there are three topics guaranteed to end in a shitshow and have #admin close the thread – circumcision, breast vs formula feeding, and crying-it-out. Some parents will naively be drawn into the conversation, thinking that they may be able to actually share their views in a respectful and informative way, but this is actually impossible. Before long, accusations of selfishness, nazism and torture will be thrown around and when you dramatically tell your partner about it that night, you’ll feel the person you dreamed of becoming slip further and further into the dark abyss of what your life is now.

16 pairs of Lorna Jane leggings that are all slightly too loose. You’ll spend your days pulling them up as you chase your kids around the park, occasionally punching yourself in the jaw with the force of it. One size down will give you painful camel toe.