How to be a Proper Working Mother

Posted on by gabgab

I really hope this kid was photoshopped into this stock photo. image via steppingstonellc.com

Fellow Mamas, listen up. We all know that balancing work and parenting is a great way to feel inadequate in every aspect of your life. Isn’t it fun to rush through every moment of your day, hoping your boss forgets about deadlines and your toddler magically toilet trains themselves?

To help you out, I’ve collected some actual real-life tips (or “hacks”, as the young’uns call them).

  1. THE NIGHT BEFORE
    You have few precious hours without kids running underfoot, and while you’ll be tempted to lie on the couch in a state of semi-consciousness, chocolate in hand and bra undone, spend a few minutes preparing for the day ahead.
    – Pack the kids bags, or something
    – Put a fresh bottle of wine in the fridge. And a couple of beers, just in case.
    – Brush your teeth twice – its unlikely you’ll have a chance to in the morning.
    – Layout clothes for the next day. Whatever you choose for you toddler to wear, will be the opposite of what they want to wear.
    I’ve heard some people also use this time to “catch up on housework”, but I don’t know. Seems like a lot of work.
  2. MORNING ROUTINE
    This is VERY important, so obviously, you’ll never stick to it.
    – Set your alarm to wake up about half an hour before your children wake. You can have a quiet shower, do some yoga and give yourself a solid foundation for the challenging day ahead.
    – When the alarm goes off, you’ll tell it to fuck right off and fall back asleep, until woken by a crying child.
    – Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! You’re running late now. You shower in under 90 seconds with one foot precariously keeping the shower door closed as your crying toddler attempts to enter.
    – Put on your underwear, but DO NOT GET DRESSED until the moment you leave home. Kids are messy, gross little creatures, and because you love them so much you’re vulnerable to sloppy breakfast kisses, toothpaste cuddles and something that someone found in their belly button. Ideally, you’ll want to buckle them into their car seats while still in your underwear, but your neighbours may object. WHY DONT YOU LANDSCAPE YOUR YARD, NO. 22?!
    – You’ll likely haphazardly be applying make up at the traffic lights while you drive to day care. Good on you! But avoid applying mascara until you’re at work. That way, when you inevitably cry after dropping the kids off, you don’t need to worry about wiping away black streaks from across your face.

  3. “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.”
    ― Rumi, cleverest man ever

    AFTERNOON/ EVENING
    Regardless of your frightening to-do list, or the looming deadlines, or the panic that sets in every time you look at your inbox, you have to leave work earlier than you’d like to pick up your beautiful children. After reunion cuddles, the childcare educators will tell you how lovely your kids are, that they are calm, play happily, eat everything presented to them, and even manage to squeeze in some crafts.
    The moment you’re all in the car though, SHIT WILL GET REAL.
    – To try minimise the sound of satan’s roar emanating from the backseat, make sure you have some snacks on hand. As above, the snacks you have will be the opposite of the snacks they want.
    – Discreetly insert some headphones and play your happy music of choice. Compared to the screaming echoing hellhole you’re in, heavy metal will seem like a lullaby.
    – Once home, feed them dinner as quickly as possible. TV is an excellent way of doing this – let the dulcet toot toot of Thomas and his Friends seduce your little ones into sitting still and mindlessly scoffing their dinner. Yes, you know this is the opposite of optimum parenting and you can feel guilty about it later.
    – In a pickle, breakfast = dinner.
    –  If they smell, give them a bath, or at least a quick rinse under the sink.

    Hey gorgeous! You’re almost there, okay? You got this. Take a deep breath
    – At this point, you will do whatever it takes to these kiddos into bed and fast asleep. They will be over tired, over stimulated and will develop a sudden and urgent interest in reading every book in their collection.
    – I recommend a big cuddly tickle off, with extra kisses and tummy raspberries. You’ve all had a tough day, make sure they know you love them and need them desperately.
    – Then the yelling will start. Them, you, them. Threats, bribes. Crying (them). Crying (you). Eventually sleep will come, and you’ll stagger out, shattered.
    – I mean, you could eat something healthy and restorative, but cottage cheese and Cruskits work too.
    – Cry, again, regretting the yelling and the threats.
    – Remember the bottle of wine in the fridge! Drink 1/4 glass, fall asleep on the couch.

55 thoughts on “How to be a Proper Working Mother”

  • I went for a unique gift and found out this painting that lighting within just the darkish.

    Its somekind of doual-view portray. I can see it during the working day, still the
    moment is dim within the space, the portray is still recognizable.

    Is this some style of alien technology/ or is precisely
    some unique wall art?
    However, i determined toward take it as a present, yet to purchase
    some for myself way too :).
    I feel that in just subject of gifts, this would be the most
    significant. Do oneself appear the exact?
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B013WZS984/?tag=olarian-20

  • I know this website offers quality based articles or
    reviews and additional information, is there any other website which presents these things in quality?

  • If you’ve been looking for a proven dietary supplement to give your metabolism and willpower the
    helping hand, Garcinia Cambogia might be right for you.

  • I was more than happy to discover this page. I want to to thank you for your time due to this fantastic read!!
    I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have you saved as a favorite
    to see new stuff on your blog.

  • And also SawStop saws are well worth it. The cost of a blade
    as well as new brake cartridge, or at worst
    instance a dado set as well as dado cartridge, is still well under
    the cost of a finger or three.

  • can be added to boiling water so that the essences can be detected
    more easily. The fruit is sliced and the spices added to water in a crock pot and left to simmer all day.
    * Hawaii — the famous Kona coffee has a splendid aroma and is rich
    with a mellow character.

  • This is really attention-grabbing, You’re an overly professional blogger.

    I have joined your feed and sit up for in quest of extra of your excellent post.
    Also, I have shared your website in my social networks

  • Interesting discussion however I’m not confident that
    I believe what you are saying. Discussions like this have chanbged the way the WWW was formed and created.
    Is it really as simple as moving out the direction and watching the web
    change?

  • To watch the NBA All-Star Game live streaming online
    for free, anyone in the U. Many people are now passionate of playing poker online.
    I am one of the teens that enjoy playing online games.

  • I went for a one of a kind reward and uncovered this portray that lights in the
    dark.
    Its somekind of doual-view portray. I can perspective it for the duration of the day, yet Although is darkish within the space, the portray is however
    visible.
    Is this some type of alien technology/ or is precisely some
    distinctive wall art?
    However, i made the decision to choose it as a present,
    however in the direction of purchase some for myself much too :).

    I imagine that within make any difference of gifts,
    this would be the greatest. Do yourself truly feel the
    exact same?
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01574LA8Y/?tag=olarian-20

  • My brother suggested I might like this blog. He was entirely right.
    This publish actually made my day. You can not imagine simply
    how a lot time I had spent for this info! Thanks!

  • Excellent weblog right here! Also your website rather
    a lot up fast! What web host are you the use of?
    Can I am getting your associate hyperlink on your host?
    I want my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  • Can I simply say what a relief to discover a person that really understands what they are talking about
    on the web. You actually understand how
    to bring a problem to light and make it important.

    More and more people need to read this and understand this side of your story.
    I can’t believe you are not more popular because you most certainly have the gift.

  • Hi every one, here every person is sharing these experience,
    so it’s pleasant to read this web site, and I used to pay a visit this website daily.

  • Because you desire to hack 8 Ball Pool… so you are here.
    Well, then we’re proud to provide to you personally the final edition of 8
    Ball Share Android hack apk. Without ever seeking
    root this amazing cheat app performs great with all units!

  • You could certainly see your enthusiasm in the
    work you write. The sector hopes for more passionate writers like
    you who aren’t afraid to mention how they believe. Always go after your heart.

  • There are websites and printed journals offeriing the reviiews about the best super
    bikes in India along with thee best 150cc bike inn India, which people can simply and conveniently
    avail soo because of this go forward while using ownership of
    just one of these. However, if you take a closer
    look, you’ll be amazed at how much interest they
    will really add up in return for that llow monthly dues.
    Parents with successes could go as far as inspiring thheir kids could take them.

  • Soundscapes played out by means of an MP3 or CD player.
    Almost all live entertainment is too loud to be safe for your ears regardless if it is classical, jazz, or rock.
    Tinnitus maskers do not treat the condition except to drown out the ringing so that that a sufferer
    can function without being consumed by the noise.

  • Hello There. I found your blog the use of msn. That is a very neatly written article.
    I will make sure to bookmark it and return to learn extra of your helpful info.

    Thanks for the post. I’ll certainly return.

  • Do you mind if I quote a couple of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back to your weblog?
    My blog is in the very same area of interest as yours and my visitors
    would definitely benefit from some of the information you present here.
    Please let me know if this ok with you. Cheers!

  • Undeniably imagine that which you said. Your favourite justification appeared
    to be at the internet the simplest factor to take into account of.
    I say to you, I certainly get annoyed whilst folks consider worries that they just do not know about.

    You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and outlined out the entire thing
    with no need side-effects , other people could take a signal.
    Will probably be again to get more. Thanks

  • I do not know whether it’s just me or if perhaps everyone else
    experiencing problems with your blog. It seems like some of the text within your posts are running off the screen. Can someone else please comment and let me know if
    this is happening to them as well? This might be a problem with
    my browser because I’ve had this happen previously.
    Thank you

  • Simply wish to say your article is as astounding. The clarity
    in your post is simply cool and i could assume you are an expert on this subject.
    Well with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post.
    Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.

  • The duty of the government to supply the needed
    assistance to ecommerce options, the required training offered tto both, the consumer and company, as this kind of company
    relies on the people; the location must have the riches to add to this company.

  • I used to be suggested this blog by way of my cousin. I’m no longer
    sure whether this put up is written by means of him as nobody else understand such unique about
    my difficulty. You’re wonderful! Thank you!

  • Unquestionably believe that which you said. Your favorite reason seemed to be on the
    internet the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I certainly get irked while people think about worries
    that they just don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as
    defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal.
    Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  • Thank you for your blog post. Thomas and I are
    actually saving to buy a new e book on this theme and your blog post has made all of us to save our money.
    Your notions really clarified all our problems.
    In fact, greater than what we had thought of
    prior to when we ran into your great blog.
    My partner and i no longer nurture doubts along with
    a troubled mind because you have really attended to the needs
    above. Thanks

  • Question: I have uncontrolled Idiopathic Generalised Epilepsy. I am going to an Atos medical assessment (sic) on the 18th December. Would the section regarding uncontrolled conditions (they have already been repeatedly advised that it is untcnorolled) be suitable for me? My doctor, neurologist and specialist nurse consider me a risk to myself and others and that I’m not to go far from my own front door unaided as the seizures can be very severe. What do you think?

  • C’est toi qui est gossant avec ça calvaire. T’es le seul à avoir droit à ton opinion peÃ?utªtre-Moi Moi Moi Moi Moi Moi Moi Moi Moi Moi ……Tu donnes ton opinion, je donne la mienne. C’est quoi l’ostie de problème? Tu veux que je me prosterne devant ta sagesse infinie, c’est ça?

  • The really heart of your writing although appearing reasonable originally, did not settle aprtopriapely with me personally after some time. Someplace throughout the sentences you truly managed to create me a believer but only for a short while. I nevertheless have got a difficulty together with your leaps in logic and you may do nicely to fill in those breaks. In the event you actually can accomplish that, I could surely be fascinated.

  • Pour être développeur web en SSII, j’y fais des choses très inret©Ãssantes pour une grosse banque. Cependant ce que je faisais dans une startup il y a quelques années était bien plus sympa. Mais ça payait sensiblement moins bien. Faut choisir !

  • Thời gian đè ván đậu 25 phút -> Đậu hủ mềm Thời gian đè ván đậu 30 phút -> Đậu hủ mềm trung bình Thời gian đè ván đậu 35 phút -> Đậu hủ cứng

Comments are closed.