Not long ago, my friend Shaun, together with his partner and sister, launched the Razor Alliance. After weeks of empty promises of “free samples” and “I’ll hook you up, Gabi” and “stop using so many quotation marks, Gabi”, I gave up and placed an order online, like some kind of common person.
Razor Alliance promises a close shave for less – providing a reusable handle and disposable razors delivered to your door as often as you need them. Aside from individual products, you can subscribe to the monthly service which sees your razor needs completely fulfilled, at minimal cost. I chose the pink kit to remind me that I’m a girl and girls have vaginas that are pink.
Despite our shaky beginnings, I was thrilled to receive my sexy little black box of razors. I was eager to test them out, but I have a strict shaving schedule I adhere to. Because I am a lady in the truest sense of the word, I aim to shave my legs anywhere from 3 to 5 times per calendar year. I received the razors in the middle of our first proper winter snap, but needed my extra fur to provide vital warmth.
With a wedding over the long weekend, I had no choice but to take blade to hairy flesh. Now, I’ve had two decades to perfect the leg shaving process, so heed these words: I still don’t know what I’m doing down there. I’m like a clumsy Edward Scissorhands, and my legs invariably look like I’ve been attacked by tiny swordsmen. Because I’ve been blessed with dumps like a truck, truck, truck and thighs like what, what, what, I don’t tend to wear anything too short, so my shave area is thankfully limited to the knee. Even in this small area, its possible to have to deal with a number of issues:
- The ankle. I mean, shaving around a little round bone is hard. And there are always a few sneaky little strands that are kind of lower than your ankle, almost on foot territory. It doesn’t matter how carefully to try to shave them – its impossible. They’re like the Catherine Zeta Jones of hair, and will glide between the blades of your razor to avoid laceration.
- The knee. Its a ball of wrinkled rough skin that hair loves to hide in. Knee hair will find safety in trenches of the skin that are impossible to access without taking actual skin with it. Which you will, of course.
- The shin. For the closest shave, you’ll want to go against the grain. Because the hair on your leg grows in multiple directions, you’ll want your shave to follow the pattern of a late 90’s Nintendo cheat – up, up, down, left, left right, A, B, start.
- The calf. As with the shin, try to continue to – nah, jokes. If you can’t see it in the mirror, its not your problem.
The razors are smooth, and the weight balanced well with the handle. I shaved slow and close, and my legs felt smoother than a pick up line. A 12 month subscription would make an excellent gift for the frequent shaver in your life – especially those men that are so hard to buy for! They’ll receive a monthly reminder of how much you love them – and who wouldn’t want that?
Oh, and if you are wondering how the razors fare on more intimate areas, I’m sorry to tell you that I’m not mad enough to bring 5 shiny, sharp blades anywhere near the most beloved part of my body. Instead I let a stranger pour hot wax on it, like any other sensible person.