So you know how everyone says about having babies – “they don’t come with manuals!”. Bullshit. Because they come with about 1057 manuals, written by various experts of varying expertise. And if you are a real person living in this real life real world, you’ll be CONSTANTLY exposed and schooled ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Especially Mums!
For starters, you must absolutely breastfeed your child, unless you want them to be fat, dumb and poor. But like, don’t breastfeed them in public, because boobs. And hold off on solids until at least 6 months. Unless you want to prevent allergies, in which case, start at 4 months. But they don’t actually need food until about 12 months. And you should definitely just do baby led weaning. No, she’s not choking, she’s gagging. Teething pain isn’t a real thing, you know, it’s just your spoiled baby manipulating you into giving it love and attention. Those tiny things might look cute, but don’t let them manipulate you, because you’ve spoiled them into being assured by your safe presence. I mean, haven’t you heard of all those hardened criminals whose life of crime started because their parents loved them too much? Oh. My. God. You’re giving your kid toys that were made in China? I guess you don’t want to stimulate your infant’s frontal lobe cortex with organic wooden toys lovingly crafted by organic vegan virgin fairies living in tree-houses in the Himalayan mountains. Screen time? Why don’t you just give them a crack pipe and a lighter? And I hope you’ve started toilet training! Well, it only takes 3 days! But also, don’t toilet train too early or little Mary will end up with a continence problem to rival her grandmother’s!
I’m the sort of person who says “I’m the sort of the person who” and also likes to have access to all this information. I understand that recommendations are continually updated in light of the latest research, but I also am naught but a humble human dealing with shit. So my parenting philosophy is simply “Most of the Time”. Most of the time, I breastfeed my kids, because it works for me and I love it. Most of the time, they don’t watch too much television. Most of the time, I’m calm and patient and practice gentle parenting. Most of the time, I don’t want to lock the door behind me and drive far away into the night, as fast as my little Prius will take me. Most of the time my kids eat healthy food and play creatively. A little bit of the time, we have ice cream before dinner, watch Thomas, Peppa and my girl Ms Rabbit. Occasionally I yell and make stupid threats that even I don’t believe, and have even been so exasperated that I screamed at my 3 year old to please stop acting like such a child!
And most of the time, everything is fine. And if you’re the sort of person who wildly inhales the parenting blogs and bookmarks posts with dumb titles like “Stop Yelling and Start Loving”, you’re probably doing fine too.